The Frog Prince (extended cut!)

~ only men have heard the whole story?! preposterous! ~

We know how the story goes:

A prince was turned into a frog by an evil witch, and the curse is cured by the kiss of a girl… so the frog prince must find a girl who will kiss a frog (ugh!) and he does, and they marry. Done. Right?

Nope. That story makes NO SENSE!

Imagine — the Witch snuck into the Prince’s bed-chambers, disguised as a Black Cat of course! She zaps lil’ P. — “Gotcha! The curse needs a girl’s kiss, bruh!” The Prince, en-froggled, shouts: “Guards!” The guards rush-in, see a frog, and say “Oh, no, the Witch again?” “Yep. I need a kiss from a girl…” “Right on it, Sire!”

The Guards return a moment later with a young scullery maid from downstairs, and present her with this Prince-frog, asking her to kiss it. She winces, and demands: “You better pay me!” The Guards agree, she kisses the froggess, and dear Prince re-appears; the maid is elated, saying “NOW you REALLY have to pay me!”

NO ONE would EVER hear about that embarrassing night; it would be a HUGE security-hole for other warlocks and demons to know just how EASY it is to curse the Prince! THAT is how ‘the Frog Prince’ would have gone… if it was actually a CURSE!

REALITY

Imagine you are THE Prince. Status. Power. Money, money, money. Skilled Tutors your whole life have gifted you with erudite diction and impressive abilities. Your grand and diplomatically-attuned lifestyle has exposed you to world leaders, far flung locales, ominous adventures with global impact, glorious galas and weddings and retreats. Your elders have been marrying gorgeous townsfolk for generations — and so your handsome, relaxed smiles stun in all that royal finery. And you want to get MARRIED? Crap… bring-in the NEXT one.

Her: “Oh, hiiiiii Mr. Prince! Wow, you’re so impressive, I can only think of vague and impersonal flattery, because I assume you are so vain and self-absorbed that you ONLY want to hear about how Great YOU are, your Majesty!”

You-da-Prince: “No, actually, it’s tiresome. All the flatterers are liars and cheats. I prefer the sage advice of disinterested experts, and the calm openness of people who are at-home within themselves.”

Her: “OOOOH! Of course! I’ve always been *exactly* like that, my whole life. Look — I can take-off my flattery-obsequies mask, and put-on this OTHER mask, instead! It’s a mask that has a little arm on it, and that arm is taking a mask OFF, so *this* mask represents ‘me being myself’. I even bought a bunch of frumpy old sweat-clothes, and I spent all night roughing them up and staining them, so that it looks like I’ve worn them for decades while chilling goblin-mode with my bros…”

Princer: “Uh, no. I don’t want someone who tries to ‘look’ relaxed. I want to get to know someone for who they are, themselves. What are your interests?”

Her, looking around the room desperately, seeing your Grandmother’s Urn next to the Mantle of the Fireplace: “Oh, uh, well, I…. I really love this vase! Look, I love vases like you! I love them so much, I sit inside them like a cute little cat, see? I’ve actually been vase-shaped my whole life…”

You never liked Gran, so you don’t mention anything as the girl squeezes inside & dusts herself in ash. Just another Tuesday.

THAT Prince is in serious trouble! No one can be trusted, when they KNOW they are speaking to The Prince. What is he to do? The Prince rushes far outside of the City, to the woodland hut… of the Witch!

Princey: “Hello? Witch?”

Dabny (the Witch!): “Go away!”

P: “I have money this time. Gold!”

Dabny: “Fine. What is it, droll prince?”

P: “I need you to turn me into a FROG.”

Dabny: “I thought you would never ask!” <poof-GROF!!>

P: “Thanks, and uh, can you make the curse end when a girl kisses me?”

Dabny: “Done.”

P: “And… uh… could you open the door for me?”

The Prince hops away, while the Witch laughs menacingly: “You’ll be baaaaack…”

The Prince travels to a main road, where plenty of regular folks are passing-by; he hopes to find a commoner, who would still appreciate a relaxing picnic sunset. The upper-middle strivers who practice curtsies and flood the Royal Audience Hall are all dreaming of ‘infinite-presents-and-feasts’ that the Prince would be disgusted to entertain. So, he waits for plain-looking girls…

P: “Oh, hi — I’m not actually a frog, I’m…”

Girl A: “Aaaagh! A talking frog! Evil!”

P, a minute later: “Hi, I’m a man who was cursed…”

Girl B: “Ewww, you’re a disgusting frog, now, though.”

P, again: “Excuse me — I long to be cured of a terrible curse, as I was previously…”

Girl C: “I don’t need to be your THERAPIST. Ask some BOY frogs to listen to your sob-story, sad-sack.”

P, getting nervous, decides to leave some attraction on the table: “Oh, hello — I am actually a Prince, recently cursed…”

Girl D: “That’s what the *last* three frogs said! Creep.”

P eventually sees a girl who is listening to the birds, watching the zephyr wisps curl around their flocks… “Ah! Pardon! I have been cursed by an evil witch; I am actually a human Prince who…”

Girl: “You are really a *person*?!”

P: “Uh, yeah — a prince! Er, THE Prince, actually…”

Girl: “Well, regardless of *who* you are, you’re still trapped as a frog, and you could be eaten at any moment, or crushed by a wagon wheel. We have to find a cure! I have a few friends who can hunt for clues like Nancy Drew — we read lots of crime dramas, like ‘Hamlet’! And… and… if there’s some Dragon to kill, with a magical Goblet to cure you, then my Dad’s work-buddies are pretty strong, and they used to be in the military — we could find a way to save you!”

Prince, blushing in a way that makes him look like a Frog-Watermelon: “Oh, geez — thank you so much! But, really, the curse is cured by, uh… a kiss from a girl.”

Girl: “Really? That’s it? No Dragon, goblet…”

P: “Yup. Just kissing a nasty, slimey frog.”

Girl: “Well, I definitely didn’t *want* to kiss a frog, so don’t take this as some flirtation or anything. But, if a kiss is really all it takes to save a *person* from being trapped and killed, then I’m glad to help a *person*!”

She kissses him — <FOOP!> The Prince stands before the Girl, now.

Girl: “Gosh, you ARE the Prince! I just assumed you had said that to get people to listen…”

P: “No, no — I really am the Prince. And I have been looking for a girl like you my entire life. You are Honest and Compassionate. I would be honored to have you as my Wife, my Queen, and for your children to inherit this whole, vast Kingdom as their own. Please, will you marry me?”

And HERE is the punchline, the REAL message:

Girl: “Oh, sorry — I have a boyfriend. Bye!”

A GOOD Woman wouldn’t discard her lover — EVEN for a Prince! So, dear Wise-Witch Dabny — might you turn me back into a Frog, again?