The Quality of My Sister’s Love

Anthony Repetto

17 min readJul 26, 2025

~ a glimpse into how my family thinks about love ~

When I was in Middle School, and my younger sister was in Elementary School, she liked to kick me. And punch me. And push me. And she woke me up one morning, laughing hysterically, while trying to suffocate me with my own pillow. She was never reprimanded or told to stop; instead, when I would grab her leg or arm to STOP her, I was grounded. My parents are Narcissists, too — I automatically became the ONE who HAD to do whatever they didn’t feel like doing.

Here is the most recent conversation with my sister, via text. I have the screenshots, but I’ll transcribe them here. Editorial background will be in <brackets>.

Sister: <in earlier part of the thread> “Everyone deserves love.”

Anthony: Just thinking: if I am one of those people who you say deserves love, that would require someone *being* loving *to* me… which is Affective Empathy, opening their heart to feel the kind of emotion I experience. I’ve done exactly that in every relationship… and I have yet to meet a woman who returns the favor. I mentioned the ‘Heart-Rate’ question in my essay — I’m 100%. Do you know any women who are 100%? What was your Heart-Rate toward men, who you say deserve love? ‘Deserve’ means ‘from service’ — it can ONLY be Earned. And each person should get the kind of love they gave; that is what they earned, what they deserve. So, if a woman was unloving, why does she STILL deserve love? Does Jeffrey Epstein *deserve* love, considering how he treated a thousand girls?

S: For me, loving isn’t transactional <I, Anthony, agree! I’ve written multiple essays on this topic…> or a 1:1 comparison of give and get. It’s also not about solely romantic love. I say all the time kitten is the love of my life. I love my long time friends like sisters, and we’ve all disappointed each other or fallen short of expectations. Sometimes that’s hashed out openly, most other times it’s just grace and understanding of different perspectives/priorities/moods etc. Maybe deserving is the wrong word with its etymological root? Worthy? Maybe if Epstein had more positive relationships and love of himself and peers earlier in his life he wouldn’t have become such a monster? What if hitler got into art school? Call me a Satanist lol — I’d rather err on the side of giving unconditionally and approaching with kindness when reasonable <oh GOSH! such lovely words! I had decades of this; watch were she takes the conversation, though…> than default to I’ve set my own standards ono deservedness and anyone who isn’t up to my standards is undeserving. It’s a high bar. Few will ever meet it and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy <?> — when we deny grace of others, we deny it for ourselves. The world is a surprising confusing cluster fuck until we die, but we can be kind <WATCH what her ‘kindness’ looks like, further down…> That’s just my thoughts, it’s ok to not agree on it. But I do love your writing — it’s like sitting with you explaining ideas <I had tutored her for free, whenever she asked, for over a decade; when I asked if she could pay me back by helping me in one of my projects, now decades later, she refused and stopped talking to me for a little while…>.

A: I am wondering why you avoided my questions. Are you nervous about the answer you would give, if you were honest? I have a 100% Heart-Rate, so there is NOTHING wrong with me holding that Standard for the Woman I give my life to; I heard that Women have Standards, too, and HERS are considered reasonable and fair? Please, recognize that I deserve a Woman who is 100% Heart-Rate… and after meeting a few thousand people, because I keep meeting entire groups at once when I try to talk to folks about ideaas — I haven’t heard of any Women like that. So, I ask, and I hope you have the courage to answer: “Do you *know* any women who have a 100% Heart-Rate?” You can check what I texted to you, after you said “I’ll read it tn” — I specifically said that “I want to know folks’ Heart-Rates,” so, regardless of how much other stuff you want to mention, first, that question is still there, unanswered: “Do you know any Women with 100% Heart-Rate, like me? What is your Heart-Rate — especially considering that you have avoided mentioning it so far?”

S: Probably terribly low and undeserving! <yet she claims later to be the more loving one, due to her kind-words> But it’s to my metric, it’s not yours. I don’t look to make myself a martyr. For me, relating with others isn’t binary. I accept people for who they are, sometimes paths are parallel, sometimes not. I’m sure that makes me simple and void, but I’m happy with the love I’ve built around my life.

A: Erm, I’ll ask again. Please stop side-stepping. Game Theory says specifically: “The only people who avoid answering a question are the ones who don’t want to admit the answer.” So, I ask again: “Do you KNOW any women who are 100% Heart-Rate, like me?” That it’s martyrdom; Women have standards of money, appearance, charm. Why am I somehow worse by having the Standard that “She has been consistently open-hearted, like me”; you keep trying to frame that as bad or counter-productive. Do you know any Women with 100% Heart-Rate? I’ve yet to meet any…

S: I’m in a car headed up state with limited service. I know no woman or man that would pass your test 100%. Very Dunning-Kreuger for you to assume as much of yourself. <NOW it has BEGUN! The rest of the conversation is my sister as I knew her in private, for decades…grab popcorn!> Whatever works for you Anthony. I love you either way.

A: It’s not an impossible test! You only have to empathize ONCE, not continually — that would be impossible. I DO pass that test. And you are misusing Dunning-Kreuger to accuse me of being arrogant; this is the third time that you have framed it as “Anthony is Bad” — which is not the behavior you would do if you were empathizing. Go ahead and keep using ‘ad hominem’ attacks to avoid the point; you only dig yourself deeper.

S: I never said you are bad <oh, she only called me a Dunning-Krueger!> I just don’t agree with your worldview and I don’t operate in my relationships like you do. You gave your opinion. I gave mine. I’m solidly on the ground. If you want to look down on me in some “hole I’m digging”, go right ahead <because her Dunning-Kreugerism is NOT ‘looking down on Anthony’ — she doesn’t even seem to notice that this is all happening via text? Later she explicitly called me arrogant and a martyr-syndrome — that ISN’T looking down on me, apparently!>

A: I’ll be glad to hear you acknowledge that you avoided answering repeatedly, instead trying to paint me as ‘martyring’ myself, ‘being arrogant (Dunning-Kreuger)’ and holding an ‘impossible standard.’ There is NOTHING wrong with me holding a Standard for my own life that the Woman have been as Loving as me. I want you to admit that, please. You keep using dirty tactics; I’m a philosophy guy, and none of your rhetoric works. The only thing I hope to hear is: “Yes, Anthony, there is NOTHING wrong with you having a Standard for your own love-life. I was wrong to say ‘martyr’ and ‘dunning-kreuger’ and ‘impossible’. I was not empathizing with the love YOU deserve, after I claimed everyone deserves it.”

S: <starting to get into creepy gaslight terrain> I don’t have to answer any question — and I’m not going to do some math for a test I’m not taking. <I asked her if she knows any loving women, and that’s a math test? it gets weirder> You do martyr yourself, you are arrogant and it is an impossible standard by your own measure — you’ve never met nor do you expect anyone to meet it. <WHOA. THAT. Watch how she backtracks and moves-the-goal-posts, later…> That doesn’t mean you are undeserving, you are deserving as we all are, you are part of everyone. <I’ve empathized in 100% of my relationships and she’s framing it like she’s being nice by letting me into the Compassion-Club; that has been a longstanding pattern> I’m blunt, stubborn, and impatient. I too am deserving. You’re welcome to set that standard — it’s yours! I hope it work for you truly! <how true is that, when she had just said I am ‘martyring’ myself for such a standard, and ‘arrogant’? The double-take spun my spine!> To me, it sounds exhausting to be so rigid and analytical in all sorts of ways people love. <I never claimed ‘analytical’ love, just like I never claimed ‘transactional’ love; I’ve written many essays AGAINST those failed forms of Romance! I am specifically advocating for Affective Empathy, which I have done in 100% of my own relationships. We have entered my sister’s Twilight Zone> That’s me. You do you. No one has the exact right answer. Life is about figuring it out.

A: We can ask a relationship counselor: “Is it wrong, martyrdom, arrogance, impossible, for a Woman to hold Standards for who SHE is willing to give her life to?” I can ask… It’s also really creepy that you claim it’s ‘impossible’ to meet the Standard of “did you empathize even ONCE?” How the frick is that ‘impossible’?! That’s such a weird, evil claim — “Anthony, don’t you know that it’s impossible to empathize even ONCE in a relationship!” WTF you sound crazy.

S: Go right ahead. You stopped eating for what a week? Only eating if someone offered you food? <I am still not clear if this was a metaphorical analogy; I have never gone a week without food, nor have I ever insisted that someone feed me. From the time I was six years old, I made myself dinner by looking among my parents’ left-overs in the fridge. My sister can attest; we had a sit-down family dinner less than once a month. Ah, childhood with Narcissists who love word-salad!> Your writing constantly talks of the perils of “happiness” — you’ve yelled at me for wishing you a “Happy Birthday” <Again, this is either some metaphor, or she is just checking to see how much she can gaslight. My birthdays were ‘Anthony, dress in the suit and sit at the restaurant with us, then we give you a personal cake in your room and ignore you the rest of the evening.’ The only time my sister celebrated my birthday was when she baked a pair of Dinosaur cakes for my 26th, and dropped them off, then left. When does she think I yelled at her, and why? I have no clue why she wouldn’t bring that up if it actually happened, or try to reach a resolution? My dad does the same tactic.> You love to play martyr. I love you anyway! <so generous of her!>

A: Go check, before saying your weird creepy again: just ONCE empathy in EACH relationship. THAT is 100% Heart-Rate. wtf you mean that is impossible? You claim it is ‘impossible’ to empathize ONCE in each relationship, and that I am an arrogant person (Dunning-Kreuger) for saying that I did empathize? Wtf? We both know your are saying BS. Just give it up. Should I show this to a relationship counselor?

S: Your definition of empathy does not match with mine. <OUCH! It isn’t an opinion — the official jargon is ‘Affective Empathy’; she is trying to turn it into ‘my opinion vs yours’> I’d easily say I have, but I’m sure you’d like a data set with specific examples. <again, claiming I am some robot-data lover, when I am the one practicing Affective Empathy in each relationship!> Please yes show this whole thread to a counselor. I’d love to hear what a trained professional has to say.

A: No data! That is NOT my ask — did you feel the kind of emotion they felt? Called ‘Affective Empathy’. NOT ‘impossible’! Sure, you didn’t — that’s fine. I’m not trying to date YOU. Can you see how creepy it is for you to call me arrogant (Dunning-Krueger) when I say I DID empathize at least ONCE in EVERY relationship? WTF you call that arrogant and impossible? This is so weird. Yes, sister, I DID empathize, Official Affective Empathy, which is NOT ‘just data’, in EACH relationship, at LEAST once. Not impossible, not arrogant, not martyr. So, please admit that I am NOT wrong for having that Standard in my love life; it’s fine if YOU don’t meet it!

S: There’s no rightness or wrongness. <that sounds pretty evil, lines-up with the ‘call me a Satanist lol’ from earlier — why is THAT her reply to me saying “WTF do you call it arrogant and impossible when I empathized?” Creepy…> It’s neutral and your decision on how you chose your partners.

A: I want you to admit that it is not arrogant or impossible to empathize at least ONCE in each relationship; it doesn’t matter that you do different and have a different view. Admit that I am NOT arrogant or impossible for having different from *you*. “Anthony has empathized at least once in each of his relationships, so it’s not arrogant or impossible.” Can you let that be said by you? <No, she has NEVER admitted fault without tooth-pulling; her ego is more precious than her Integrity or her relationship with me, as you will see…after another LONG wait, I continued> You can’t admit it, can you? Try a tangent with subtle accusations!

S: I’m sure you have at least once. I think we all have. <BS word-salad to make herself feel like she is Love Superior; she doesn’t really expect Epstein has, right?> I think women do more than you think. <NOT my ‘impression’ of women; still waiting for a women to empathize with me, in reality; it’s a fact of my experience, not an opinion-about-them> I think you’ve set yourself up to be disappointed in people. <No, you disappoint me. Others didn’t, because they empathized.>

A: I’m the one with a Standard of virtue; I’m not going to compromise that just to be with an UN-loving Woman.

S: I won’t apologize for calling you arrogant and a martyr <how LOVING!> and telling you my opinion <can I insult you, and say it’s ‘just my opinion’? You are evil, and the texts caught you this time> that it sounds like you’re choosing a hard path to relate <by empathizing in all my relationships! wtf?> but it also sounds like you want a hard and virtuous path. I hope it works for you. I give you examples of how I relate <no, none> as someone who has a lot of relationships with people. I’m an extrovert, I have that advantage, I just shared what’s worked for me <nope! solid gaslighting; she made vague word-salad *about* being loving… and then she accused me of being arrogant for saying that I empathized in ALL of my relationships; she claimed that NO ONE EVER HAS! Creepy…> It doesn’t meet your standards and that’s ok.

A: Please admit that I am NOT lying when I say I have empathized at least once in each relationship. You keep avoiding admission. And, as a result, I am not ‘arrogant for saying I’m 100% when I never met that standard’ which is what you accused me of earlier. <Recall! She went from saying ‘no one has ever met that standard, it’s impossible, you’re arrogant for saying that you met that standard, Anthony’ and then she FLIPPED to ‘I suppose everyone has met that standard, see how loving and open I am’. It’s been my whole life with these three.> Please admit that my standard is NOT ‘impossible’, which IS what you claimed, earlier. Admit that you were wrong, please. <long wait, no reply, I continued> You don’t seem to want to admit what you actually said, even though your texts are right there. You’ll have to stop your defensive avoidance, sister — the only people who ever get defensive are the ones with knowledge of their own guilt; innocent people are happy to admit when they said something hurtful.

S: <replying-thread to her own earlier comment?> I’m sure you have at least once. You say yourself ‘no woman’. 100 people, 100 potential empathy actions per person, that’s 10,000 possible empathy points. <why is SHE talking about empathy like a game to score points? The whole purpose of Affective Empathy is to have the chance to relate to another person, on the deepest level — there’s no ‘saint points’…so creepy> Sure you’ve empathized once with each person — 100%. I think consistency is more important; I’d rather 5,000 empathy points with 1/2 as many. Call me 50%. <SO SO WEIRD. How is that option ‘more consistent’ than 100% empathy?! The Twilight Zone spirals further>

A: Good job! You can keep going on tangents. You know that you called me ‘arrogant for claiming that I had empathized at least once.’ Admit it. You know that you said it’s ‘impossible to empathize like you demand.’ Admit it. I know you want to avoid admitting those things. Admit them, please. Admit that you said those things to me. <Narcissists will squirm and ghost just to avoid admitting that they were abusive. Her version arrives!>

S: Yup. I did say them. And I don’t think I’m wrong. There’s that stubbornness I’m known for! <So, she’s allowed to repeatedly mis-represent me, blame me, accuse me, and that’s not wrong? How is SHE being LOVING?>

A: Yes, thank you! And, as the row of Mediation and Counseling books on my old library taught me, THOSE statements are called ‘malignant misrepresentation’ and they show that you were hoping to avoid what I was saying BY attacking my character; a form of ‘ad hominem attack’ which is proof of ‘bad faith argument’. What you did to me, by saying those things, was HURTFUL and lacking in Compassion for my feeling. You claim superior loving, by SAYING that ‘everyone deserves love’ — then how were you loving me, by accusing me of being ‘arrogant for claiming 100% Heart-Rate’ when I DID meet that Standard? How were you loving me by saying that the Standard I DO meet is ‘impossible’? You’re really gross, speaking words *about* love, while proving none in action. Your love is the kind I never want to date. <another long pause…> It’s also weird that you frame “100% Heart-Rate Standard” as ‘setting yourself up for disappointment’. NOPE! You have it *backwards* — if I date a 30% Heart, THAT is setting myself up for disappointment! You can’t seem to understand that ‘NOT dating an UN-loving Woman’ is not my LOSS — it’s called ‘dodging the bullet’! <still no reply, so I reiterated> The way you have treated me in this conversation is proof of what *your* love looks like, in PRACTICE. I don’t think anyone deserves to be treated the way that you have been treating me. Keep these examples in mind, next time I say a word you don’t like: You enjoyed hurting me when you were a child, as well as when you were a young adult, and still you enjoy hurting me, accusing me of being ‘arrogant for claiming 100% Heart-Rate’ and accusing me of ‘trying to be a martyr.’ The videotape of your actual choices is the ONLY measure of your actual love. Don’t you deserve to be treated the way you treat me? Jesus said that. <another no answer, waiting for her to admit that she called me arrogant for saying that I empathized in my relationships!> When THIS is how you ‘love’ me, what do you think your ‘love’ is worth to me? Empty words, no love in *practice*? IF you are chronically unable to do the *specific* activity called ‘Affective Empathy’ in the literature, THAT is the neurological diagnosis for Psychopathy; psychopaths have a dysfunction in the region of the brain responsible for *FEELING* another person’s emotion *INSIDE* themselves. <ONLY Psychopaths have that problem; it is characteristic of Psychopathy> Vince has that problem; he admitted that he ‘doesn’t know how’ to do Affective Empathy. And, there are 65 genetic correlates discoverred so far. All of this is published research. Do you find it hard, or a chore, to relate to a Man’s Feelings? Humans *yearn* to do Affective Empathy — it is WHY we *enter* a relation-ship at ALL! THAT is why I AM 100%. <she obviously doesn’t think about relationships that way…>

S: Telling someone they have spinach in their teeth isn’t mean, it’s just embarassing. Begging you to reflect how quick you are to degrade someone for disagreeing with you <WHOA. When you insult someone, and you support it with a misrepresentation of their actual beliefs, THAT is just ‘pointing-out their spinach’?>

A: Huh? I wasnt’ ‘degrading you for disagreeing’ — that is a Strawman, obviously false, in my texts. I am hurt when you accuse me of *lying* about empathizing with my partners. And I wouldn’t want to be with someone who loves the way you do — why is that degradingg to you, while calling me ‘arrogant’ is just your personality? <ALWAYS a double-standard, since she was young; remember that SHE was ALWAYS allowed to hit me, for years, and I was PUNISHED when I tried to stop her> This is so sick, sister — you are literally doing tactics from the Abuser’s Playbook, compiled by Counselors to warn people about folks like you. Admit that you Strawmanned me by claiming I was ‘upset that you don’t agree’ — admit that you were using ad hominem attacks, and THAT is my issue with you. So twisted that you think you are scoring superiority-points while using Strawman arguments. “I was Strawmanning Anthony when I claimed that he was ‘degrading me because I didn’t agree’ — he never ASKED me to agree, at all! He repeatedly said that he was hurt when I called him ‘arrogant’ and a ‘martyr’. I was doing wrong, which upset him, and he is not wrong for being upset that I treated him that way; I instigated that behavior, when none of what he said prior was an attack or abuse.” Try admitting that. <still no reply> You can’t actually say those words — only a vague “yeah, true!” because you don’t want to let fault sink-in. You keep repeating abusive behaviors, sister — I’m supposed to love someone who treats me like you do, now? Your whole life, you have avoided accountability for hurting me. I was a philosophy Mod as a kid; rhetorical tactics, fallacies, and abusive tactics are *empirical* facts, NOT ‘he said she said, stubborn opinion.’ You have used rhetorical tactics, especially the one called ‘malignant misrepresentation’ as an ‘ad hominem attack’. The facts stand in the texts. You obviously never won an actual debate; officially, you are *disqualified* as soon as you do any of those things ONCE! It’s called ‘arguing in bad faith’ sister. You HAVE been caught accusing me of lying about empathy, being arrogant for saying I am 100% Heart-Rate, claiming I ‘seek martyrdom’ when I don’t want an UN-loving Woman in my life, AND you claim I am upset because you don’t *agree*, when I NEVER ASKED you to! Your tactics are obvious; admit to them. Or, is your pride more precious than admitting to your brother that you were using abusive tactics on him? <still no reply… she obviously is NOT interested in empathizing or admitting fault> You lie like Trump, accusing me of things Proven false in the text! I NEVER asked you to agree; you were Strawmanning me when you said ‘he is disparaging me because I disagree.’ You are literally doing actual gaslighting, kid. It’s fricking gross. Admit to what you did. Your words of ‘everyone deserves love’ don’t match your behaviors of ‘strawman my brother’. Do you notice that you’ve been CAUGHT? Screenshot time. :3

The Quality of My Sister’s Love

Written by Anthony Repetto